Are you a good listener?
You stay silent when others talk; you nod your head; you repeat back what others say word-for-word. But, unfortunately, this traditional wisdom does not make you a good listener. On the contrary, it can leave people feeling unheard and unappreciated.
Being a good listener is proven to impact both our professional and personal lives positively. So the question is: how do we become better at it? After putting our mobile phones away and closing our laptops, we must understand that listening is an active, noncompetitive, two-way interaction. We should not act like sponges, only absorbing information and nothing else. Instead, we must behave like a trampoline, lifting conversations with energy, acceleration and amplification.
Harvard Business Review recommends asking ourselves the following questions to have better conversations.
How do I usually listen?
We often have default or preferred listening styles - sometimes unconsciously. Examples include task-oriented, analytical, relational or critical. To become more effective in conversations, we must be aware of our own styles and learn how to switch them for different circumstances. Sometimes, we need to use a combination of these styles depending on the goals of the conversations.
Why am I listening?
People often have fixed perceptions of others and tend and anticipate what the other party would say because of the heuristics.
Even if we overcome our biases and try to be inquisitive and objective, we often formulate what we want to say to respond while the other person is still talking, hence missing important information.
Who is the focus of the attention in the conversation?
Sharing personal experiences can establish connections, but remember who is the attention of the conversation. You do not want to steal the conversation away from the speaker and make them feel dismissed.
This technique applies to coaching, too. You want the coachee to find the answers within, not to give them the answers and tell them what to do.
What am I missing?
Nodding in silence, although polite, is not a good sign of active listening. Instead, try to have a deep conversation, speak up and ask good questions. To truly understand the other personโs point of view and hidden messages, you must pay attention to verbal and non-verbal signals.
Imagine the following conversation. An employee tells you, โIโm worried about my presentation for the board meeting.โ Trying to be supportive, you may say,โ On, youโre going to be great. It took me years before I could present without being nervous.โ. Unfortunately, this response ignores the underlying concerns of the speakers and shifts the attention to you. As a result, you will likely never learn your subordinateโs real challenges. Instead, you can say, โI was nervous when I started presenting too. Whatโs worrying you?โ
Am I getting in my own way?
All too often, we stop listening because we are worried that we are not prepared, not qualified, or not comfortable responding. Quieting the internal monologue and refocusing the conversation on the other person will leave space for deep discussion. Itโs not about you.
Am I in an information bubble?
Employees often spin information in a way to avoid disappointing senior leaders or avoiding confrontation. As a leader, you must prioritise trust over hierarchy, get information from all levels of the business, and listen solely for comprehension.
References
- Harvard Business Review. (2022). The Art of Active Listening | The Harvard Business Review Guide. Available from: https://youtu.be/aDMtx5ivKK0 [Accessed 5 Feb. 2023]. โ